I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
