you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
