I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
