i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
