Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
