I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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