I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I pour the whiskey from now on
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
