My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
