I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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