glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Randomize
