i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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