mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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