I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
