I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
