Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
