As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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