What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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