**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
