you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
