Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Randomize
