if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
