i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
