I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
