I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
