I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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