Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
