i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Pooping to opera.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
