I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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