i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
