I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
