You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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