That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
