Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
