I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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