I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
