Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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