I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Come on in and take your pants off
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