What did we do last night that was yellow?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
