Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
