I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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