I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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