I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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