i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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