you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
