im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
organizing the empties. That sober.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
