I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
