The brown eye won't let me do that either.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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