If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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