I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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