he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I need moral support for this bender
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
