at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
