Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
