she takes plan B like it's going out of style
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
