Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
smell my finger.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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