I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
